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11:11am 21/07/2005
  so fitting for this particular moment in time and the events of the past two weeks

This is a man who thinks with his heart,
His heart is not always wise.
This is a man who stumbles and falls,
But this is a man who tries.

This is a man you'll forgive and forgive,
And help protect, as long as you live...
He may not always say
What you would have him say,
But now and then he'll say something wonderful

The thoughtless things he'll do
Will hurt and worry you
but and and then he'll do
Something
Wonderful.

He has a thousand dreams
That won't come true,
You know that he believes in them
And that's enough for you.

You'll always go along,
Defend him where he's wrong
And tell him, when he's strong
He is
Wonderful
He'll always
Needs your love
And so he'll get your love.
A man who needs your love
Can be
Wonderful.
 
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Graduation   
07:35pm 23/06/2005
  I can't believe we graduated until they handed me the diploma i really didn't think they would ever let us out.
Two quotes of the moment from this occasion....
"Sara I really didn't think I was going to make it!"-Me
"Yeah hoestly Kelly I was worried about that with you too."-Fagan face

"It's like our whole lives we've always been ahead. We never really 'went' to high school we were talking about being famous and beautiful and drinking wine in our apartments at the age of ten, and people are always telling us not yet, not yet, not yet so today is like...okay go!"-Pags
 
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05:40pm 25/05/2005
  I have no idea what I am doing anymore. two boys, I'm playing with other peoples emotions. I have become what I wanted, the girl who gets the guy just to fuck with them. It's not fair. I love him. He loves me. I want him. He wants me. I won't fall in love, I fell in love. Fuck. This is so pointless. It's not fair. To me. To him. To them. They are a them now. United in my breaking of them.

"I was hurt before."
"So you took it out on me?"
"I don't know how to love you."
"I've been trying to teach you. For three months I tried. I'm not happy."
"I don't want you to just be here I want you to love me."
....this sucks

ps) on the bright side i decided to go down the shore after prom
 
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05:16pm 23/05/2005
  16 days left of school, whole classes, and I still have to make up two tests and a philosophy presentation, but other than that I'm on track to at least graduate. I'm feeling conflicted about prom things right now. Finally senior practicum is over and I can focus on prom, but I have two equally awesome things to do after prom. I've been invited to the country house with all my best and closest friends who I have spent the last four years getting to know and love and having adventures with but I'n also invited down to wildwood alcohol payment included with blake, jordan, marissa, jackie, grube, katie a, etc and I know that's going to be really fun too. Now I'm torn between my best friends and my party pals and I wish I could split myself in two. Our entire school is going to be down the beach and while that may cause trouble that's going to cause lots of fun toooo
yuck I hate having to think so much,
Kelly
 
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07:55pm 14/05/2005
  Take it back, take it all back now the things I gave like the taste of my kiss on your lips you'll miss that now. I can't try any harder than I do all the reasons I gave exscuses I made for you I'm broken in two. All the things left undiscovered leave me empty and left to wonder I need you All the things left undiscovered leave me waiting and left to wonder I need you don't walk away. Touch me now how I wanna feel something so real please remind me, my love, and take me back. Cuz I'm so in love with what we were I'm not breathing I'm suffocating without you and do you feel it too? When I'm in the dark and all alone dreaming that you'll walk right through my door it's then I know my heart is whole. There's a million reasons why I cry hold the covers tight and close my eyes cuz I don't wanna be alone. Cuz I can't fake and I can't hate but it's my heart that's about to break you're all I need I'm on my knees watch me bleed would you listen please? I give in I breathe out I want you, there's no doubt I freak out I'm left out without you I'm without I'm crossed out I'm kicked out I cry out I reach out don't walk away...


so pissed
 
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11:15am 03/05/2005
  Sometines I swear I just do it to piss him off. And I know what I'm doing it when I'm doing it I just can't stop myself. He likes to make me angry and push me down and I like to let him know that I could be with anyone I want. It's not the healthiest of things and I feel like I'm breaking down. But then when I'm just about to give up something happens and I release back into the feelings I have for him. I just don't know how much longer I can keep ripping this wound open then sealing it back up, eventually we'll run out of thread. I'm so tired but I'm happy too. It's ridiculous I am this unusual mix of emotions I think I might be sick...  
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Spring Break!   
06:38am 21/04/2005
  Sweet I am so excited about going to Ireland!!!! Oh yes and my asshole has decided to go to a carnival on Friday night with Allison this girl who tried for the whole first month of our relationship to break us up...it's not that I don't trust him I don't trust her (to be completely cliche) anyway if anyone wants to be my informent for what goes on there I'm pretty sure the carnival is in Hillsdale, Woodcliff Lake or Washington Township on Friday night and it's a fireman's carnival. His SN: Greg13146 please IM him and find out anything you can ;)  
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50/50   
10:57am 31/03/2005
  Okay so i keep getting really excited then feeling waves of pending disappointment and nervous energy about what the hell is going on. I booked my flight to the Bahamas and am currently making my hotel reservations so I can spend the first week of July getting drunk with my baby. Prom is coming up soon and I'm so excited for that I got my dress then there's graduation and project graduation and I'm just so ready to be out of here plus the weather is getting really nice which I love I'm coming to clean Audrey out today. But what if we break up? or what if something bad is going on? Or what if I don't know I'm just really concerned about the unknowns in my life.
-Kell
 
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confusion   
08:56pm 22/03/2005
 
mood: crushed
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.Wait for the boy who kisses your forhead,who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "... thats her."

...maybe I made a mistake, maybe this isn't right, I just don't feel he feels this way
 
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07:13pm 18/03/2005
  As Fagan said the showcase was very crazy but fun and yes I think about twenty minutes before curtain call we all realized that this was our last third showcase...geez I can't believe how much time has gone by since our first Commedia Del Arte show which almost wasn't put up due to our delinquency but ended up being one of the funniest shows we ever put on....the show was nuts a lot of numbers, a lot of singing, a lot of dancing, and a lot of memorization that I was absent for I've decided my life is just too busy for school lol. I am ridiculously ill, honestly I haven't felt this sick in awhile and i wish to be better soon...Greg and I have been fighting a lot and making up a lot and I guess that is part of a relationship but honestly sometimes it's getting out of control. I guess it's because for once I actually LOVE the person I'm with and the thought of losing him scares the crap out of me. I feel like I'm standing on this very fragile ice and everytime we fight it cracks just a little, then freezes over again. I don't understand it at all but maybe it's all part of the territory  
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09:30pm 14/03/2005
  I think I'm getting way too used to acceptance letters. that is al i have to say and i didn't think making the decision was going to be this hard. and I didn't think that the boy I loved was going to break my heart either; but he did; and I've taken him back God I hope I don't resent him in the end  
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07:18am 11/03/2005
  So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall
And fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall
And fall upon us all
Then I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you


Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time


If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
 
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01:55am 04/03/2005
  If i knew every word to describe beauty it would not do it justice, the scene of flying over the past the future and my present. So many times I have seen the same landscape, so many months I spent with this as my home, but now I am a traveler, a stranger. The streets I used to walk are different, this is where I used to live. The set where dreams were realized has changed beyond recognition, my basketball court for 9:30 basketball ganes is a line of new executive offices. The ghosts that haunted my best friends and I as we explored the unknown have been run out. It is the strangest of feelings to be so isolated in a place that used to feel so safe. The city holds different meaning now and instead of joy I find saddness in the life I used to know. What I found is that people grow up, time does change, and the mind cannot remember every detail as it promises to. I want to hold this place as I remember it not as I visit it because there is my childhood of hope, and my life line of familiarity.... on a lighter note my life is changing again and since a certain boyfiend of mine refuses not to read this journal the rest of my entries will be friends only ;) I can imagine myself living here and if college is replaced by a real job on a tv set then so be it....  
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08:36pm 28/02/2005
  "We spend all our time together we can't stand to sleep alone"... Going to California in a little over 24 hours I can't wait! I'm kind of nervous about all the mixed emotions I think I heard somewhere that you can never go back home...I hope that's not true. I'm going to miss Greg  
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06:08am 25/02/2005
 
mood: excited
Booked the coke commercial, photo shoot on saturday, leaving for Cali Wednesday to do the agent meeting thing and sell a demo....i have no time for my school work or to memorize lines or really for the boyfriend and yet i spent 9 hours with him yesterday....this must really be love I haven't seen Lucky 2 since Tuesday
 
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Something happens when you look at me...   
10:10am 24/02/2005
  This break started out horrifically (aka marissa having to get lucky 2 and I from our stranded situation on route 20 in Paterson on Sunday morning at 1 am while i was in Matt's old sweatshirt and who should decide he HAS to go but Marcos?) However I am so happy and content and in love yes (gasp) for real, and the only reason I know it's real is because I absolutely can't tell him I am terrified. Also for once in my life I am not on this quest to destroy. I don't feel the need to make him jealous...okay fine I'm still a manipulative bitch but he knows and loves me anyway (while calling me on my bullshit) he just fits; and for right now at least things are falling into place okay enough of this sappy bs....congrats to fagan face on said "love bites" hahahahahahahhaaha oh yes and let's have a hand for Pags, Dani and I who after getting fast food last night decided the next logical step (after passing such fine establishments as the "hooch hut" and after being chased by the "minies" decided that 1 am was the perfect time to hit riverside drive and pass through Harlem...at least we survived ;) only to be "locked" out of the house geez it's been a busy week and there's a snow storm on the way have a great rest of break kidssss
<3 Kel
 
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06:49am 17/02/2005
  I feel free, and wonderful, and alive, and things are looking good. I am without boy again but by choice and it feels really great I'm excited for Fagan and I love that we go out for ice cream together and laugh and I love that we are 48 hours away from break ! yay  
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and after this post i promise I'm finished with him   
08:44pm 10/02/2005
  Tell me do you think it’d be all right
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I’m in no shape for driving
And anyway I’ve got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I’d ever had
If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take it’s place...hey jealousy
And you can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
If you don’t expect too much from me
You might not be let down
Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take it’s place...hey jealousy
She took my heart
There’s only one thing I couldn’t start
......so i'll put it away for three years get drunk summer before senior year and ask to stay with him for awhile....sounds like a plan
 
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05:39pm 07/02/2005
  yeah fuck that honestly pushing me further away from those people i thought cared isn't going to help this that is all I have to say fine do what you will i'm done  
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08:22am 07/02/2005
  A question: Who in the world is going to take care of me better than my friends? I mean honestly next year I am going to feel so lost it will be ridiculous....even my parents would have repremanded and punished me for the actions of last night and while i was repremanded out of concern and love....on a side note BEFORE the fiasco where fagan face had to go inside to her place of work and get a bucket of water to clean up my mess the night was going pretty well. I <3 the UP kids +dan +my baby ....ugh but I am unimaginably embarrased and a shower has never felt so wonderful...  
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